Born & raised in Southwestern Germany, I come from a CBP background (cabbage, black forest/beer and potatoes).
Due to this special diet, a remarkably high-performing digestive system acquired at birth and the atmospheric conditions of my place of upbringing, mortal science soon realized through theoretical projection that the internal pressure of my body easily exceeded 500 billion bar - arguably twice that of the sun. Therefore, at the age of four, a Bakelite camera miraculously formed inside of me and - euphemistically speaking - fell out of my butt.
After realizing that it wasn’t just a potato-swallowed-whole that had caused this laborious event of manifestation, I immediately began my career as a unparalleled photo artist.
* arranges artsy hat *
Soon after, my wanderings led me to the city of Atlantis, upon the invitation of the grand council of the highly-pressurized. There, while taking a stroll on the city’s marvellous beaches, I slipped and suffered a severe blow of fate - to the head!
Falling to the wet sand while whining and flailing wildly, I knocked my head as well as my Bakelite camera on a rock made of materialized Atlantean stubbornness. Alas - the combined discharge of me losing my composure and therefore also my bowel control for a split-second of a split-second, as well as cracking my camera open on said stubborn rock where violent enough to disrupt the balance of nature to its very core, causing Atlantis - both physically as well as its ancient civilization and all traces of it - to pulverize into nothingness immediately. My mortal shell on the other hand, now freed from the heavy burden of being Earth’s most prolific artiste, was propelled with such force that I circled our planet approximately 69 times, giving me enough opportunity to behold all of its wonders at least one-and-a-half times. Ultimately, I lost my momentum and was cast into the deep sea, where I became stuck at the bottom of the Mariana trench. Although I was able to free myself immediately when I tried to move for the first time, it took me 4700 years to come up with the motivation to do so. I then began my confused journey across the Eight Seas (one was lost later due to a rounding error) and was cast ashore after another 300 years. Tattered and worn out from only being able to rest half my brain at a time while swimming along like a dolphin. My skin was shrivelled, all of my talent had been drained from my body’s cells by the salty ocean waters and my head was as bald as a bowling ball,
just not as shiny… but I’m working on that.
This was when it came to me — my epipahny:
I’m just a regular guy with a camera and if I don’t shower regularly, I start to smell.